Fried Bacon Mashed Potatoes

This post was inspired by having the desire to update my blog, and to not go grocery shopping to do it.  I have never been a fan of crazy mashed potatoes with all sorts of junk in them, but Paula told me to do it.

Oooh potatoes

Since I was somewhat limited by the supplies I had on hand, I used bacon bits for the bacon, and dehydrated parsley instead of fresh chives in her recipe. The only real challenge here was to replace sour cream and heavy cream.  I used an old standby, silken tofu sour cream, and thinned it with unsweetened soymilk.

I also did not feel the need to place my mashed potatoes in a hollowed out loaf of bread.  That’s really just stupid.  Why would you put potatoes in bread?  They have nothing to do with each other, and are not natural dining companions.  It’s not like soup or anything.  Besides, it is wasteful, and would have required me to go to the store.

Bacon-Bits Mashed Potatoes

• 3 pounds Yukon Gold potatoes, peeled and cut into 1 inch cubes
• 3 TBS Earth Balance, divided
• 1 shallot, finely minced
• 3/4 cup tofu sour cream (recipe follows)
• 1 1/4 cup unsweetened soymilk
• 1/3 cup vegan Bacon Bits, such as Bacos
• 2 TBS dehydrated parsley, or 3 TBS fresh
• Salt and Pepper

1. Place the potatoes in cold salted water and bring to a boil, gently boil for 15-20 minutes, until fork tender.
2. Melt 1 TBS earth balance in a frying pan and saute shallot until tender.
3. Combine sour cream and milk, add the parsley and bacon bits to rehydrate.
4. Once potatoes are cooked, drain and mash well, I use a food mill, but whatever method you prefer is just fine.
5. Add 2 TBS melted earth balance, shallot, tofu-milk mix, and salt & pepper.
6. Mix gently until well combined

Tofu Sour Cream

• 1 12.3 ounce container of silken tofu
• 3 TBS lemon Juice
• 1 TBS neutral oil, such as canola
• 1 tsp salt
• 1/2 tsp sugar

1. Place all ingredients in a food processor and blend until creamy and well combined.

The verdict: not too bad.  I think I will stick to regular mashed potatoes, but I could see why other people might like these.  Also, I served these with another Paula recipe, which I will write up when I have a bit more time, but just as a teaser it involved more ham tube, and everyone’s favorite: nut butter.

Deep-Fried Stuffing on a Stick

Hey Y’all.  I’m back.  Things have been a tad bit hectic and unbalanced in my personal life to say the least.  I would like to say I am back with some crazy feat of veganization, but I can settle for just saying I’m back.

I had leftover uncooked stuffing from Thanksgiving that I wanted to use up, and I remembered being horrified by Paula’s Deep Fried Thanksgiving from last year.  She deep fried everything, even the goddamn cranberry sauce.

So I present to you: stuffing on a stick.  I would have deep fried it like Paula’s stuffing but I have yet to purchase a fry daddy.  Hey, at least it’s on a stick.

No, it's not poop

Oh, and my Mom made the stuffing so I have no real recipe, but I am sure you guys have a favorite stuffing already, and no one actually makes any of my recipes. Since Paula’s recipe calls for 4 eggs, I did feel the need to whisk up some cornstarch and water and add it to the stuffing before I baked it.

Pan-Fried Stuffing on a Stick

1. Take some cold but cooked stuffing, cut it into a rectangle, put it on a stick and shape it into a log/tube with your hands.
2. Roll the stuffing tube in some flour.
3. Fry it in a pan with some vegetable/canola/olive oil until golden brown and crispy on all sides.

I served this with a side of mushroom-shallot cream gravy dipping sauce.  Paula would probably just dip it in straight mayo though, or maybe some butter.

The Lady’s Brunch Burger

The grossest thing I ever put in my mouth

I have been dreading this day.   I knew it had to happen, I tried to put it off, but at one point, I had to veganize the brunch burger.

This bacon and egg burger involves not one, but two donuts to serve as the bun.  I mean seriously, how ladylike is it to try to eat a 5 inch tall sandwich?

I managed to take two bites, then I wrapped it up and put it in the fridge.  After a few glasses of wine, then a few pints of beer, I drunkenly attempted to eat it again, thinking perhaps the addition of ketchup would help.  It didn’t.   It made me feel so disgusting that I was tempted to sit in the shower, gently rocking myself as I sobbed hysterically.

In all fairness I will say that I used Voodoo donuts, and they have a banana flavor, which despite it’s gloriousness in the cheezy ham tube and banana casserole that inspired this blog to begin with, didn’t really work with the burger.

(I Can’t Think of a Funny Antonym for Lady) Brunch Burger

• One Vegan Burger Patty
• 2-3 slices tempeh bacon
• 2 donuts
• 1 tofu egg (recipe follows)

1. Heat burger and tempeh.
2. Put the burger, tempeh bacon and the tofu egg on top of a donut.
3. Put another donut on top.

Tofu Egg

• One 14 ounce container firm tofu
• 1/4 cup olive oil
• 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/4 tsp turmeric
• 1/4 tsp garlic powder
• 1/4 tsp onion powder

1. Slice tofu into 4 slabs so that you have 2×4 inch slices.
2. Cut tofu slices with a drinking glass or a biscuit cutter into circles.
3. Mix remaining ingredients together and marinate tofu for 30 minutes, flipping once.
4. Remove from marinade, unless kitchen fires are your thing.
5. Bake in 400 degree oven for 20 minutes, turning once.

Nutritional Info

Paula

• Calories: 1135
• Fat: 73 gm
• Saturated Fat: 26 gm

Me

• Calories: 685
• Fat: 30 gm
• Saturated Fat: 5 gm

Pig on a Stick

Foods on sticks are sorely lacking from the vegan diet

This recipe isn’t too over the top for Paula Deen.   http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/pig-on-a-stick-recipe/

That being said, I chose this because of the use of the word pig, as opposed to pork as a descriptor.  At first I thought it just made the food sound crude and vulgar, but at the same time, that is what you are eating if you follow the original recipe.  To actually call meat by its animal name, instead of some euphemism is almost  admirable.

More admirable than that, is replacing the meat entirely.  This recipe features homemade seitan, after it has simmered on the stove for an hour.  Any recipe will do although if it is a particularly bland seitan, it may be fun to put the marinade ingredients directly into the dough, adjusting the amount of liquid needed to compensate.  I always use the Vegan with a Vengeance seitan recipe, which uses vital wheat gluten.  The recipe is on the ppk http://www.theppk.com/recipes/dbrecipes/recipe.php?RecipeID=112

Seitan on a Stick

Ingredients:

• 1.5-2 pounds seitan
• 1 TBS soy sauce
• 1TBS olive oil
• 3/4 cup broth leftover from simmering your seitan
• 2 cloves garlic, minced or pressed
• 1 TBS Jerk Seasoning, recipe follows
• Carribean Dipping sauce, recipe follows

1. Cut simmered seitan into long thin strips, about 2 x 4 inches and place in large ziploc bag or on a dish to marinate.
2. To make the marinade combine soy sauce, olive oil, broth, garlic and jerk seasoning.  Pour marinade over seitan and allow to sit for 1-3 hours.
3. Soak 2 dozen wooden skewers in water for at least 30 minutes.
4. Once seitan is marinated, thread onto skewer in an S shape if possible, otherwise thread onto skewer lengthwise.
5. Preheat broiler and lightly spray a broiler pan with no-stick spray.
6. Broil seitan for 3-4 minutes, flip and broil an additional 3-4 minutes.  Watch carefully to ensure that it doesn’t burn.
7. Serve warm with dipping sauce

Jerk Seasoning

• 2 tsp salt
• 1 tsp allspice
• 1 tsp brown sugar
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1/2 tsp paprika
• 1/2 tsp ground nutmeg
• 1/2 tsp black pepper
• 1/2 tsp ground ginger
• 1/4 tsp cinnamon
• 1/4 tsp cloves
• 1/4 tsp thyme

1. Combine all ingredients until well mixed.

Carribean Dipping Sauce

• 1 TBS olive oil
• 1 serrano chile pepper
• 1 tsp grated fresh ginger
• 1 (18 ounce) jar orange marmalade
• 3 TBS fresh lime juice

1. In a medium saucepan warm olive oil over medium high heat, add chile pepper and ginger and cook for 2 minutes, stirring frequently.
2. Reduce heat to medium low and add remaining ingredients, simmer for 5 minutes until hot, stirring frequently.

Nutrition Info

• Calories: 381
• Protein: 38 grams
• Fat: 4 grams

Red Velvet Sandwiche Cookies

I love red velvet things.  The scary color, the hint of chocolate.

I had soy free aspirations for these cookies, but my homemade almond creme of pulverized almonds whipped with water and arrowroot made the filling too soft.  Having made two variations of these diabetes bombs in one week, I didn’t want to try for a third time.  At some point in the future, I may perfect the soy free variation, and I will post it.  For now they use a very basic cream cheese frosting, with the addition of almond extract, since I love almond things.

The original recipe states that it makes 12-15 sandwiches, but in reality it makes 6 or 7 if the directions for how big to make the cookies are followed.   The frosting recipe calls for 1 pound of cream cheese, 2 sticks of butter and 4 cups of powered sugar.  I do not think it is humanly possible to use that much filling for that small of an amount of cookie.  Perhaps this means that Paula Deen isn’t human?  Discuss.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/red-velvet-sandwich-cookies-recipe/index.html

Red Velvet Sandwich Cookies with Almondy Creme Filling

Makes 10 or so sandwiches.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees, line a baking sheet with parchment paper (these suckers like to stick, this step is important)

Cookies

• 1 1/3 cups all-purpose flour
• 2 TBS cocoa powder
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 1/4 tsp baking soda
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1/4 cup canola oil
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 TBS finely ground flax seed
• 5 TBS rice or soy milk
• 2 tsp apple cider vinegar
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 TBS red food coloring

1. In a large bowl, whip together the sugar and oil until well combined.
2. Whip in the ground flax, milk, apple cider vinegar, vanilla extract and food coloring.  Set aside.
3. In a small bowl, sift the flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder and salt.
4. Add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients and mix well.
5. Use an even 1 tablespoon measurement to drop cookie dough onto parchment lined cookie sheet.
6. Bake for approximately 10 minutes.  Allow cookies to cool slightly on the sheet before placing cookies on cooling racks.  Do not frost cookies until completely cool.

Frosting

• 1/4 cup Tofutti cream cheese, room temperature
• 1/4 cup Earth Balance buttery spread, room temperature
• 2 cups powder sugar
• 1/4 tsp almond extract
• 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

1. Beat the cream cheese and earth balance together until fluffy.
2. Add the powdered sugar in 1/2 cup measurements until desired stiffness.  You may need more or less powdered sugar than the recipe calls for.
3. Add vanilla and almond extract.
4. Gently frost cookies and form sandwiches.

Grilled Apple, Bacon, and Cheddar Sandwich with Roasted Onion Mayo

OK, So It's Not the Prettiest Looking Meal

Not much of an intro needed here. The “Lady” decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich with a bunch of crap on it. I veganized it. If you scroll down to the nutrition info, you will see that one of her sandwiches has almost 1000 calories and all the fat you need for a whole day. Way to go Paula!

My ex-boyfriend would like me to mention that that this recipe is “near the top” of all things I have cooked for him. I am not quite sure how I feel about that, but it is really tasty.

http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/grilled-apple-bacon-and-cheddar-sandwich-with-roasted-red-onion-mayo-recipe/index.html

I do have two points of interest regarding this concoction.

One: I used the recipe for gooey grilled cheese from the Ultimate Uncheese Cookbook. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1570671516. My understanding is that the author does not take kindly to people posting her recipes, so I will not. I will say that the recipe is awesome and worth the cost of the book alone. If this is not agreeable to you, it is available on google books.

Two: Vegenaise is the best tasting vegan mayo. Grapeseed is the best flavor. Although lower in fat than typical mayo, I still feel like it is a bit high. Trader Joe’s reduced fat mayo is vegan, even though they don’t make a big deal about letting you know that on the jar. It is much lower in fat, but it doesn’t taste as good as Vegenaise. I combined the two 50:50 in my mayo so that I could have the best of both worlds.

Grilled Apple, Tempeh, and Uncheese Sandwich with Roasted Red Onion Mayo

Recipe is for one Sandwich:

• 2 slices sourdough bread or other hearty bread
• 4 slices tempeh bacon (recipe follows)
• 1/4 cup gooey grilled uncheese mix, can use commercial cheese, but it won’t be as tasty
• 1/4 of a granny smith apple, cored and thinly sliced
• 1 TBS Red onion mayo (recipe follows)

1. Preheat cast iron pan or griddle over medium heat.
2. Assemble sandwich by spreading one slice of bread with the uncheese, top with the apples, then the tempeh, then spread the other slice with the mayo.
3. Spread thin layer of Earth Balance on the outside of both slices of bread and grill for about 3 minutes on each side.
4. Cut on the diagonal and enjoy!

Tempeh Bacon

This is based on the tempeh bacon from Vegan with a Vengeance, but altered to accommodate what I had on hand

• 12 ounces tempeh, I used Surata http://www.suratasoy.com/
• 1 TBS apple cider vinegar
• 3 TBS orange juice
• 1 tsp adobo sauce from a can of chipotles
• 1 tsp tomato paste
• 1/4 tsp liquid smoke
• 2 large cloves garlic, crushed
• 4TBS soy sauce
• 1 tsp maple syrup

1. Slice the tempeh into very thin long strips.
2. Combine remaing ingredients.
3. Marinate the tempeh all day. I like to do this in a bog ziplock, with the air squeezed out.
4. When ready to prepare sandwiches, fry strips in small amount of vegetable oil until golden brown and crispy.

Roasted Red Onion Mayo

• 1 medium red onion, chopped
• 2 tsp olive oil
• 1 cup vegan mayonnaise

Preheat oven to 375 degrees

1. On a rimmed baking sheet, toss onion with oil, and a pinch of salt and pepper.
2. Roast for 25-30 minutes, stirring occaisionally.
3. Once onions has cooled, combine with mayo in blender or food processor until smooth.

Nutrition Info

Paula’s Version

• Calories: 994
• Fat: 60 gm
• Saturated Fat: 29 gm
• Cholesterol: 157 milligrams

My Version

• Calories: 560
• Fat: 15 grams
• Saturated Fat: 1gram
• Cholesterol: 0 milligrams

Mama’s Fried Creamed Corn

Corn and Bacon, Together at Last

After the casserole from a few days ago, I had some leftover Smart Bacon lurking in my fridge. The bacon just sat there, looking at me as if to say: so now what?

Luckily, Pandacookie had already done the thinking for me and suggested I attempt the fried creamed corn. Not wanting to dissapoint, and since corn is in season and an actual vegetable, well almost a vegetable, I decided to go for it.

But first I had to muster the strength to pry myself off of the couch, no easy task when you have been eating leftover cheezy hamtube and banana casserole for 3 days straight.

So you may be asking, what is fried creamed corn? Answer: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/mamas-fried-cream-corn-recipe/index.html

For those who do not want to follow the link, it is corn that is fried in a mixture of rendered bacon fat and butter. I would never subject poor corn to such a humiliating demise.

I went for a half batch, since I am only cooking for two, and it ended up being enough for 4.  The original recipe needed some help. First of all 12 ears of corn does not serve 4 people, it serves many many more than that. Second of all, I wouldn’t call this recipe “fried” there isn’t a high enough fat:corn ratio.

You Ain’t My Mama Fried Creamed Corn

• 6 ears corn
• 6 slices Smart Bacon (or other equivalent)
• 1/8 cup Earth Balance (EB), plus 1 TBS for bacon “rendering”
• A few drops of liquid smoke
• 1/2 cup unsweetened soy milk

1. Remove the corn from the cob, I find this is most easily accomplished by holding the cob at a 45 degree angle and running a chef’s knife down the cob in a gentle sawing motion. Make sure you scrape it to get the starchy liquid!
2. Slice your bacon into large-ish chunks. I found the Smart bacon to be difficult to separate out into individual slices, so I just left them in the stack that they came in, and cross cut them into 1/2 inch slices. The stacked slices separated easily once they were in the skillet.
3. Cook bacon in a large skillet, with 1 TBS earth balance until crisped and a slightly darker red in color, about 5 minutes total on medium high heat. Remove from skillet, leaving EB behind, and set aside.
4. Add remaining Earth Balance to the same skillet you used to cook the smart bacon. Add a drop or three of liquid smoke, to help emulate bacon grease. Allow EB to melt and get hot over medium high heat.
5. Add corn and fry in hot EB for 1-2 minutes, mashing lightly with the back of a wooden spoon. Add soy milk, lower heat and simmer for about 15 minutes, stirring occasionally until the corn is done.
6. Add salt and pepper to taste. Garnish with reserved bacon and serve.

Cheesy Ham and Banana Casserole

Omni from Indiana Approved!

It tastes better than it looks

*  I feel the need to update this post slightly, since it was what inspired this blog, and perhaps if I explain why I made this, the blog will make more sense.

So, I went to Fubonn, my neighborhood Vietnamese emporium and bought a vegan ham tube and figured Paula Deen might be able to tell me what to do with it.  I stumbled upon her recipe for Cheesy Ham and Banana Casserole.  I had to make it, it sounded completely insane and yet oddly appealing.  So I veganized it, and I posted it in Food Porn on the PPK, the responses led me to believe that there may be a demand for a blog devoted to veganizing Paula Deen crap.  And here I am.  *

The original recipe http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/cheesy-ham-and-banana-casserole-recipe/ called for butter, ham, bacon, cheddar cheese, 4 eggs, milk, and cream. I used a combination of homemade and convenience items to replace these. Yes, I could have made tempeh bacon and seitan ham. I didn’t, I am trying to channel Paula here people, she’s no Julia Child.

The original recipe calls for 2 cups of crushed potato chips. I forgot to buy chips and it was raining, making a trip to the store for my least favorite snack food not likely. I don’t think the recipe needs em anyways.

What follows is my interpretation, which could still use a little tweaking regarding the replacement for 4 eggs and heavy cream:

Cheezy Ham Tube and Banana Casserole

Serves: 8-10

Preheat oven to 350 degrees and smear Earth Balance on a 9×13 inch container

• 12-14 slices bread, earth balance spread on both sides (I used a crusty sourdough)
• 1 pound ham tube, sliced into 1/4 inch rounds
• 4 bananas sliced on the bias
• Double batch of Bryanna Clark Grogan’s Melty Chedda Cheeze, from her book 20 Minutes to Dinner, or on her website http://www.bryannaclarkgrogan.com/page/page/661699.htm it is third from the bottom, scroll way down
• 6 slices of Smart Bacon, or other vegan equivalent, crisped up and crumbled
• 1 package firm silken tofu
• 2 cups unsweetened soy milk
• 2 cups crushed potato chips (optional)
• Nutmeg
• Salt
• Pepper

1. Place silken tofu, soymilk, a healthy dose of ground nutmeg, pepper, and just a pinch of salt into blender and blend until creamy, set aside.
2. Prepare cheeze sauce according to directions, set aside.
3. Place one half of the bread on the bottom of the baking dish, in a single even layer.
4. Place all of the ham tube in a single layer on top of the bread.
5. Place all of the banana on top of the ham tub in a single layer.
6. Place remaining bread on top of the banana in a single layer.
7. Pour tofu and soymilk mixture on top of bread/banana/ham until it just reaches the top.
8. Pour cheese sauce on top.
9. Top with crumbled Smart Bacon.
10. Paula would also like you to crumble up 2 cups worth of potato chips and put them on top at this point, go ahead and do this now if you desire.

Place casserole in oven and bake about 40 minutes, until firm and lightly browned.

Let cool a few minutes before slicing and serving.

Nutritional Comparison for one serving:

Original Recipe:

• 675 Calories
• 44 grams of fat
• 17 grams of saturated fat

My Version

• 300 Calories
• 10 grams of fat
• 1.5 grams of saturated fat

Mission Statement

Y’all-I’m a vegan. I have a love hate relationship with Paula Deen. I will document my struggles with cognitive dissonance for anyone who wants to see. When possible, side by side nutritional values for her and my versions will be posted. I am not always the best at converting recipes, so if you have any pearls of wisdom, please share them. And yes, I take requests.

Mailing dogs is not vegan